Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.