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FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
car not found
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?