[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.