Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.