If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Tuesday
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Mornin