Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there