The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
You Might Also Like
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.