1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
this has done me in for some reason
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.