When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
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WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Money is the root of all wealth
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van