One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
marvel comics have peaked
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
HOW DARE YOU
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural