Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.