PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
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Me irl
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The Joker was right
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.