judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
You Might Also Like
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
True?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
shit, they caught us—run!!!