Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.