Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS