feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone