Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
The real reason evolution started..😂
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”