two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
This kid is a star!
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.