I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
early stone age tool
every single time
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.