You learn something every day
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
#ProTip
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.