[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
lmfao come on
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.