[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now