My biological clock is wheezing.
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
it was a valiant fight
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?