[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.