[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*