According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how