Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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can I use a minion as a tampon
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Legend 🤣🤣
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”