You Might Also Like
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Stop being racist to kettles.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.