6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
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[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?