I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Breaking news:
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?