LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
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The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Lmao
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
technically true but not a great slogan
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
#NeverForget
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes