Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Weighing up my bread heating options
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.