So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Guilty! 🤪
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.