[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I’m putting together a team
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.