It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Cndnsd Mlk
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.