How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein