[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
time machine? you mean a clock?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
The Book. The Movie.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.