I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
🤣😈🤣
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!