I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?