[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.