[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Gemma Correll
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’