Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up