Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait