My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.