I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.