quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.