Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Confused owl: What?!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!