6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see