him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
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i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I think the cat got the dog high.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone