teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Cashiers are always checking me out
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Me driving through Toronto
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.